We’ve been considering how to deal with middle school kids (and older) with a sassy attitude or way of speaking. Our Level 1 plan was to cut the kids some slack; recognize that they not too skilled at coping with the pressures of school, friends, etc; and encourage them to develop other ways of coping rather than blowing up on family. But what if things get better but there is still need for improvement?

Level 2 – One of the main developmental tasks of teens is to become aware of themselves and their impact on others. If a middle school kid has been around kids “with an attitude” all day at school, using a disrespectful tone of voice or having a sassy manner may seem “normal,” after all, it’s what kids have been doing around him all day! You may notice middle school kids, even late elementary school age kids, “experimenting” with tone of voice, facial expressions, body language. Learning to read non-verbal cues is incredibly complex and one of THE main tasks of adolescence. We can’t believe she doesn’t know that tossing her hair and using “that tone of voice” is going to get her in trouble. Of course WE know. . . but then again, we already went to middle school!

As a Level 2 intervention, you may want to consider “mirroring” for your young teen. Do your best to not do this in your own smart alec way, but offer, “You may not know how you look right now. THIS is how you look (imitate what you see).” Then you may want to say something like, “Communicating is not only about our words. Our tone of voice and body language often ‘say’ far more than our words alone. What I ‘heard’ from you a minute ago is more like, ‘Mom, you’re such an idiot. Don’t you know anything!’  I’m not sure if that’s what you meant to communicate to me but if it’s not, you might want to check your tone of voice and how your looks speak! If you DID mean that, you may want to check how important it is to you to treat people you love in a kind way. . . just a thought”

I’m sure you’ve heard kids speak rudely to a sibling and when called on it by a parent say something like, “I only said, move your foot!” . . . but the tone of voice was vicious. Working to teach kids about the importance of voice tone, an activity I have teens do is to take turns saying the following words in as many ways as they can think of: “I’m coming to your house tonight.” It can be angry, threatening, sexy, delighted, excited, questioning. All the same words, but so many ways to speak them, each with its own nuance.

On a related but different note, body language and facial expressions are also potent communicators our teens need to become aware of. You might begin this discussion reminding them of someone they love who can be really intimidating, e.g. grandfathers? Letting them dissect what is scary about that person can help them become aware of what messages they are reading unconsciously: eyebrows, grimace, deep voice, not engaging in eye contact, etc. It can also be fun to turn off the sound in a movie or TV and make up new dialogue to match or mismatch what we see.

It is useful to know that as human beings, about 85% of what we communicate is NON-VERBAL!!!! That means words (spoken, texted, printed) convey only 15% of the message we intended. That leaves a very big margin for error. People draw conclusions about us, judge us, accept/reject us far more often by non-verbal communications than by the words we actually say! Now that deserves some thought . . . and some practice!

(Repeated by popular request)

As we’ve talked and thought about putting an end to smart-mouthed pups at your home, we’ve moved from Level 1 ( I’ll tolerate a bit of this since you may have had a tough day and this is your home, a place to let off a bit of steam), to Level 2 (this is how your unbecoming behavior really looks and besides that, your tone of voice, facial expression and body language are shrieking!!!), which brings us to Level 3. As you might imagine, we’ve amping up our tools and our efforts.

One thing which is helpful to keep in mind is that, as kids grow older, they are likely to have legitimate differences with us. Do we really want a kid who says, “Okey doke, Mom, of course, you’re always right. How silly of me to have an opinion when you can have one for me.”  I hope you agree with me that we know and accept the fact that our kids can have a different opinion, a different manner of getting the job done, a different sense of style, etc.  Which begs the question, if you and I do not see things the same way, how do I expect/tolerate your expression of those differences? It’s helpful here to imagine just for a moment that the other person in the conversation is not your teen but your friend or colleague. If you differed from a friend, how would you express it? And sometimes, do you agree to disagree BUT still remain friends? Chances are that a disagreement would begin with something like, “How come you decided to do it that way?” Your friend would explain; you might continue, “Had you thought of doing it this way instead?” Your friend might explain why she decided NOT to do it that way. You might continue, “Hmmm. I think this would work better. Would you be willing to try it?” In other words, you’d take the time to investigate and respect the other person’s reasoning process, working toward a negotiation, sometimes called a win/win solution.

I can hear you already: “But that takes so much longer!!!” And, of course, you’re right. But when we accomplish less than a win/win solution, often the “losing” party (typically our kid) has little investment in the solution. So it isn’t long before we have to hassle the issue again. Make note of the United Nations steps two parties take toward negotiating a settlement:

1. Describe what you each want in this situation;

2. Exchange each of your reasons for wanting that outcome;

3. Each of you restate, understand the other’s reasons;

4. Together, select a plan, an “experiment” to which both can agree, including a timeline on when to check back.

As we work our way through challenging conversations, it’s useful to keep in mind that not only are we trying to solve today’s dispute, but more importantly, we are setting a model, a pattern, for how our kid is to disagree with someone and how he is to work to resolve differences. In other words, this isn’t just about today! It should not surprise us that our teen (especially a middle school age kid) is not very good at this process. Sometimes they can’t get it at all; sometimes they get it while we’re talking but don’t follow through; sometimes they get it for a while, then relapse. And, if we’re not careful, so do we! The steps in negotiation, above, begin to instill real listening, really being heard, and joining to solve living together in a peaceful way.

Like training your pup to a leash, it doesn’t happen in one day. It requires great consistency and patience. And great praise when a tiny movement forward happens. Just know that their families, friends and employers of the future will be grateful you did your part!

 Next time, Level 4. . .

Last fall, there was an unusual high school football game played in Grapevine, Texas.  The game was between Grapevine Faith Academy and the Gainesville State School.  Faith is a Christian school and Gainesville State School is located within a maximum security correction facility. (Don’t miss the video at the end of the blog)

Gainesville State School has 14 players.  They play every game on the road. Their record was 0-8.  They’ve only scored twice.  Their 14 players are teenagers who have been convicted of crimes ranging from drugs to assault to robbery. Most had families who had disowned them. They wore outdated, used shoulder pads and helmets.  Faith Academy was 7-2.  They had 70 players, 11 coaches, and the latest equipment.

Chris Hogan, the head coach at Faith Academy, knew the Gainesville team would have no fans and it would be no contest, so he thought, “What if half of our fans and half of our cheerleaders, for one night only, cheered for the other team?”  He sent out an email to the faithful asking them to do just that.  “Here’s the message I want you to send,” Hogan wrote, “You’re just as valuable as any other person on the planet.”

Some folks were confused and thought he was nuts.  One player said, “Coach, why are we doing this?”  Hogan said, “Imagine you don’t have a home life, no one to love you, no one pulling for you.  Imagine that everyone pretty much had given up on you.  Now, imagine what it would feel like and mean to you for hundreds of people to suddenly believe in you.”

The idea took root.  On the night of the game, imagine the surprise of those 14 players when they took the field and there was a banner the cheerleaders had made for them to crash through.  The visitors’ stands were full.  The cheerleaders were leading cheers for them.  The fans were calling them by their names.  Isaiah, the quarterback-middle linebacker said, “I never in my life thought I would hear parents cheering to tackle and hit their kid.  Most of the time, when we come out, people are afraid of us.  You can see it in their eyes, but these people are yelling for us.  They knew our names.”

Faith won the game, and after the game the teams gathered at the 50-yard line to pray.  That’s when Isaiah, the teenage convict-quarterback surprised everybody and asked if he could pray. he prayed, “Lord, I don’t know what just happened so I don’t know how or who to say thank you to, but I never knew there were so many people in the world who cared about us.”  On the way back to the bus, under guard, each one of the players was handed a burger, fries, a coke, candy, a Bible, and an encouraging letter from the players from Faith Academy …

What an incredible act of Christian witness and kindness and goodness that was.  Proverbs 11:17 says, “Your own soul is nourished when you are kind.”  Proverbs 3:27 says, “Do not withhold good when it is in your power to act.”

As much as we’d like to think that our teen pups are each darling and unique, the truth is that they share some unbecoming common traits. One is speaking rudely at home. And, don’t you just love it when someone tells you that your kid is so polite, has such good manners. Ever wanted to ask if they’ve actually met your kid?

In recent blogs, we’ve been talking about approaches for dealing with those rude dogs. Level 1 intervention involved being tolerant and considered that your teen may need to blow off steam safely at home. Level 2 entailed mirroring your teens’ behavior for them so they can learn to gauge the impact of their tone of voice or facial expression. Level 3 acknowledged that parents and teens actually have to change the way they have been communicating to include mutual respect, differences of opinion and negotiation. But sometimes we need to move to Level 4 when the other levels don’t work or aren’t appropriate.

Level 4 is based on the premise that parents (and siblings) have a right to be treated with regard. It’s important to remember that what we’re talking about here is not just relationships in the family but learning how to treat people (and how to be treated) for a lifetime. Ask yourself, “How will this tone of voice, this mannerism work for him in a future job? With his fraternity brothers? With a girlfriend?” You are teaching skills. At Level 4, we shift gears and become much more intentional and self-controlled (even if what we’d really like to do is to throttle them!) In order to maximize our punch, our communication style changes:

We keep our words to a minimum, no more than three sentences.

We keep our feelings neutral (no crying, no shrieking).

We refrain from swearing, hitting, taunting, humiliating.

We moderate our voice to low and firm.

We minimize distance between ourselves and the kid, not menacingly, but to three to four feet.

We engage eye contact.

In response to a rude outburst, we may say something similar to, “I would never speak like that to you. I do not expect you to speak like that to me. When you are ready to speak respectfully, we can talk about this.” Then walk away. If he follows and continues, you may repeat your message but do not engage further unless the behavior is appropriate. No whining, wheedling, screaming, spitting, hitting, crying, threatening, swearing. Think of this as similar to when they were little and forgot to use “please.” Back then you might have said something like, “I can’t hear you until you use the magic word, ‘please.’ When you can use that, ask again.” No need to be angry; simply do not engage and move away.

One example I recall involved a middle school girl who walked into the kitchen after school one day and demanded imperiously, “Mom, I need a ride to soccer at 4:15. And be on time. Got it!?” The mother, pressed by the needs of several kids, replied,”Get yourself to soccer. I am not in the habit of doing favors for people who treat me badly. Your roller blades and bike are in the garage.” Her daughter sputtered and fumed but the mom went about her business unperturbed.

Sometimes these eruptions can go on for hours, even days. But when there is a lull, you may want to round out your instruction with your teen. During a private, quiet moment,  you might say, “I know that you and I had a pretty rough day. When you speak to me that way, you make me look like a fool or a meanie and you make yourself look like a brat. I care for you far too much to allow you to treat people you love like that. I hope tomorrow is a better day for us.”

It has been my experience in parenting that what is cute (like the pups at the top of the page) at age 2, is annoying and needs discipline by 5 and may be illegal by 15. It is a parent’s job, according to Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled, to give our kids a road map of reality. The reality is that the world will receive them better, they’ll be more successful, when they learn to manage this behavior.

As your frisky pups get this under better control, they’ll be happier  . . . and so will you.

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This week I’ve been talking with moms of teen girls about self concept, self confidence, and mental health. Reading from Dr. Leonard Sax’s book, Girls on the Edge, we found some thought provoking information. It’s Dr. Sax’s opinion that there are more and more girls who’re “brittle, susceptible even to a mild jolt.” He goes on to point out that between 1996 and 2005, the proportion of girls and women in the U.S. taking anti-depressants has doubled such that more than 1 in every 8 U.S.  females takes anti-depressants. A researcher named Jean Twenge believes that part of the reason for girls’ changing mental health has to do with social connectedness. She suggests that lack of social trust is THE highest predictor of anxiety.

Girls, having trouble with no social connection? you may ask. When the average number of texts per day is about 70! But Dr. Sherry Turkel, director of MIT’s Initiative on Technology and Self, points out that virtual contact may not equate with genuine, soul-feeding connection. In fact, Dr. Turkel suggest, such constant “contact” may put girls at greater risk since they never get a break, a breather, any alternative perspective. What looks like connection may actually be something like a diet of cotton candy.

Which brought to mind my mom and me. In middle school, if I got to feeling down in the dumps, she’d say, “What you need is to go do something for someone else!” In fact, she’d been known to threaten to lock me out of the house until I did. So, I grumbled out the door feeling doubly dejected, only to encounter the little kids next door who always wanted me to read them a story. . . or cross the street to our elderly neighbor’s home, Mrs. Cushman. She was often lonely, having lost her beloved husband. . . eager to talk or offer a cookie. Invariably, I returned with

• a shift of focus OFF of myself
• an action which helped me see the needs of others
• a pat on the back or word of appreciation for being such a good kid (if they’d only known!)

And that brings us to The Green Bean Queen.  (It makes me proud that she’s from Texas!) How many of us endured the slings of teasing? How many of us were blessed with folks around us, beyond our family, who thought we were great? And how many of us remember, many years later, how it felt to overcome those set backs and become who we really are, to define ourselves?

Why not share this with a Green Bean Queen (or King) at your house tonight?

I don’t know about you, but I just LOVE to learn new things. Especially things which explain life and help me get a more positive understanding.
You may not know the name Martin Seligman but he’s a professor at U Penn and the founder of “positive psychology.” Make no mistake, Dr. Seligman is not a la-la kind of psychologist. But his fascination is with questions like: why do some folks thrive; who flourishes and why; how can we not just avoid despair but how can we savor a joy-filled, meaning-filled life? He’s my kind of guy!
Anyway, recently, Dr. Seligman was retained by the U.S. Army to study post-traumatic stress among our soldiers. Undertaking a study of hundreds of thousands of soldiers, Dr. Seligman arrived at a stunning conclusion. Imagine a Bell curve. . . you know the kind where “typical” is depicted at the height of the curve and represents about 68% of any given population. Now imagine a “tail” to the left and a “tail” to the right. What Dr. Seligman found is that, indeed, there is a group of soldiers who suffer “post traumatic stress,” represented by the left-hand tail. The majority of folks, that 68% in the middle of the Bell, actually return to their previous level of well-being about 3-6 months post-combat.

***

But here’s the really interesting part: the portion of soldiers represented by the right-hand tail actually experience what Seligman has termed, “post-traumatic growth!” They come home BETTER than when they went to war. Their experiences have led them to believe that they’re better leaders than they knew . . . or that they’re cool hands under fire . . . or that they can help people go on during difficult times. One way or the other, trauma has led them to grow. It’s such a simple concept, I wonder why I hadn’t realized it before!

So, how does that apply to our kids? Oh, let me count the ways!!! Other girls treat her meanly and instead of becoming depressed, she becomes compassionate. He doesn’t make the team and instead goes out for the play and finds he is excellent onstage. She doesn’t get into the college or grad school of her choice so she re-doubles her efforts and, wonder of wonders, gets in the following year!

Sometimes, we FORGET about our terrific potential for growth!
Share this reminder with your kids today!
It’s their nature to grow, to become stronger. WOW!

*** I think I need work on my graphics capability! Bear with me! KF

In a blog a couple of weeks ago, I shared Dr. Marti Seligman’s research on post-traumatic stress, a project which called attention to the fact that many soldiers return from combat better than before. At the other end of the Bell Curve from post-traumatic stress, these folks actually experience what Seligman terms, “post-traumatic growth.” Enduring very difficult times, they come to know they are stronger than they’d thought; that they can be cool under fire; that they can help others survive. In short, hardship helps them to grow.

Wouldn’t we ALL want that for our kids (and ourselves)?

Returning again to Seligman’s study, we find that his team has identified 5 factors which are common to folks who experience post-traumatic growth:

■A sense of hope

■Gratitude

■Bravery

■Kindness

■Religious belief

Giving each of the components some attention could lead us to thinking of ways to encourage our kids during life’s challenging times. In the last blog, we began by considering HOPE.  In this blog, let’s focus on GRATITUDE.

Gratitude is getting a lot of attention these days since it is one of the prime indicators of happiness. Additionally, many of us have come realize it is an excellent antidote to “AFFLUENZA,” that wicked illness which weasles its way into our psyches! Gratitude is sometimes considered to be the opposite of entitlement. If yours is like most families, you could stand some relief from youth entitlement! But here’s what’s really amazing: Gratitude has a variety of benefits from increasing life satisfaction and hope to lowering depression and anxiety! It shouldn’t surprise us that, like so many other mental practices, gratitude becomes a habit (as does its opposite). Here are some ways to integrate gratitude more often into the daily life of your family.

• Challenge family members to express gratitude to someone each day. That could include other family members, teachers, neighbors, parents of friends…imagine the possibilities. One leader who worked with a group of boys got frustrated with “put downs.” She instituted a policy that for any put down a boy made, he had to “fix it” with they came to call “put ups,” expressions of appreciation.
• Use saying grace at dinner as a time to hit the gratitude “reset” button. Begin the habit of giving thanks for three things since the last meal. Rotate who’s in charge of giving thanks. Things we’re grateful for might include having someone else make dinner; being pleased we don’t have to eat dog food; delighting that we have a sense of smell; being appreciative that we have clients who pay their bils; being relieved that test day is over! It’s a good idea to have adults participate in giving thanks so kids can hear parents model gratitude.
• Keeping a Gratitude Journal allows kids to write down three things they’re grateful for each day. An additional benefit can arise if, after each item they list, they add how they were active in helping bring that “blessing” into their own lives. E.g. by going to school, I learned my math so I made a good grade; my music teacher gave me a brownie because I went to the effort to practice my lesson. Remember “agency” from the previous blog? It’s powerful to link gratitude (good things in my life) to agency (something I’m doing is helping good stuff come to me).
• Another excellent way to cultivate the habit of gratitude is to write a Gratitude Letter expressing thanks to someone in our life. I must confess to assigning this as a “consequence” when one of my kids had a stinky attitude (read: entitled little snot!). It could also be a once-a-week or once-a-month family conversation for each member to share their own gratitude letter with the family.
• And of course, then you could take the next step, a Gratitude Visit. I double-dog dare you (or your kids) to write the letter, then make a date to visit the person about whom it was written and VISIT that person and read the letter. Talk about creating a vortex of positivity! Everyone should do this at least once in their life….or once a week, whichever you need!

Of all the positive mental attributes, gratitude has the highest therapeutic value. If you want your child to come down on the post-traumatic GROWTH part of life, teach them and model for them the awesome habit of GRATITUDE.

(If you’re reading this from another country, please let me know how you came to this blog and how/if you’re finding it valuable. Thanks for reading!)

In a blog several weeks ago, I shared Dr. Marti Seligman’s research on post-traumatic stress, a project which called attention to the fact that many soldiers return from combat better than before. At the other end of the Bell Curve from post-traumatic stress, these folks actually experience what Seligman terms, “post-traumatic growth.” Enduring very difficult times, they come to know they are stronger than they’d thought; that they can be cool under fire; that they can help others survive. In short, hardship helps them to grow.

Wouldn’t we ALL want that for our kids (and ourselves)?

Returning again to Seligman’s study, we find that his team has identified 5 factors which are common to folks who experience post-traumatic growth:

■A sense of hope

■Gratitude

■Bravery

■Kindness

■Religious belief

Giving each of the components some attention could lead us to thinking of ways to encourage our kids during life’s challenging times. In the previous blogs, we began by considering HOPE and GRATITUDE.  In this blog, let’s focus on BRAVERY.

The word “bravery” has taken on such an enormous weight that it might take a bit of effort to imagine that an average middle school kid is called on to exhibit bravery. Let’s unpack the concept a bit. Bravery, according to Mark Twain, is the “mastery of fear, not the absence of fear.” Of course, fear has a million faces: fear of financial ruin, fear of unpopularity, fear of failure, fear of death, fear of a tiger, fear of not having friends. But notice that what each has in common is fear. It turns out that fear is essential to being brave. If one is fearless, trying out for the school play is not courageous.

Fear has three components: a feeling of apprehension; a physical response to fear (racing heart, sweating palms, increased breathing rate); and a behavioral response to fear (what we actually DO in the presence of fear). It is possible to have only one or two of these components…and to elect the third one in many cases. So, yes, I’m afraid when confronted by that big guy who bullies everyone on my gym class; and yes, my heart is racing and my throat is dry; now I have to decide what action I’ll take. I might run; I might duck; I might make a joke…..

Aristotle recommends that to develop courage, we begin by doing courageous acts. Sort of “fake it ’til you make it.” It turns out that he was correct; as we do one (even tiny) courageous act, we gain confidence in future successes.

How do we apply all this with our kids? Let’s assume that we’d like our kids to be among those who enjoy “post-traumatic growth” so we want to help them grow in bravery or courage. And since one cannot experience bravery in the absence of fear, we might begin by helping our kids list things they’re afraid of; then put those items in order from smallest (afraid I’m going to miss the bus and be late to school) to largest (I’m going to that party and NO ONE will speak to me, I will be totally awkward, left out). Then talk over with them what a tiny bit of bravery might look like…we’re not talking about walking into play try-outs without ever having taken a theater class, but a tiny step, e.g. finding out when play tryouts are going to be or asking someone what they’re planning to do to try out for the play. In other words, we break down the fearful experience into bite-sized pieces. Doing even one or two equals progress in the bravery department. If our kid can’t quite muster up courage to tryout for the play but DID sign up for theater class and DID go sit with a friend who was trying out, our kid has made genuine, concrete steps of bravery, something she/he can take real confidence from. Movement = progress!

It’s helpful for parents to remember that bravery is not really about just trying out for the play or going to the party or taking the hard class. Talking at dinner of what each family member fears helps kids to realize that they are not alone, that they are not wimps. Thinking of the long haul, our child’s life a decade or two from now, we’d do well to remember C. S. Lewis’ remark that bravery is “not simply one of the virtues, but the form of EVERY virtue at the testing point.” *

* To promote a family discussion on this, how about offering this quote to talk about at dinner. What does it mean? Do you agree with it? What is a “virtue” (do you need to list some?) and what do they look like at the testing point?

We’ve been considering how to help our kids come out on the “high side” after they experience a difficulty in life (being bullied, not making the basketball team, not getting into the college they’d hoped, etc.). Dr. Martin Seligman from U Penn has identified the opposite of post-traumatic stress as being “post-traumatic growth” when someone goes through a hard time and emerges more than they were to begin with. They learn they are good leaders or have great patience or that they have great humor or compassion. Of course, we’d  like that for our kids…and for ourselves. Seligman goes on to say that five traits are associated with post-traumatic growth: a sense of hope, gratitude, bravery, kindness and religious belief. (see previous blogs for other topics)

As we consider kindness, it’s helpful to begin with a bit of brain research. Human beings have a keen ability to learn behavior through what are called, “mirror neurons.” This marvelous capability allows children to watch behavior and mimic it. Researchers believe that children learn to be kind and empathetic in such a way, sort of a “do unto others as it’s been done unto you.” So, a first core concept for parents is that we MODEL KINDNESS; understand that for kids to be kind, they need to have been treated kindly.

It’s also helpful for us to think of kindness, empathy and tolerance as first cousins, all related by feeling FOR others. We can TEACH KINDNESS and empathy, or at least the framework laid, by engaging the questions with your teen, “What might that other person be thinking, feeling, wanting?” It’s best to use that question in a not-hot situation, that is, NOT when your teen is angry with a friend or disappointed in a grade. Begin with a situation when someone else is feeling something strongly: little sister who’s left behind by her friends on Friday night, crying. “Gosh,” you might say quietly to her teen brother, “I wonder what Suzy might be thinking, feeling, wanting? Do you have any ideas about what might help her feel better?”

This works nicely with another tip: NOTICE KINDNESS, call it to the attention of your kids. “You were really kind to wait for her so she could  get ready to go with you. You’re such a thoughtful guy.” Help them name kindness and appreciate it in themselves and others.

PRACTICE KINDNESS as a family*. One family I know, let’s call them The Smiths, selected a family they knew who had younger children. At Christmas, The Smith kids challenged each other to come up with small gifts they could leave on the doorstep of the other families home, gifts from “Snowflake” and “Holly,” imaginary elves. They further challenged themselves to devise the gifts for less than $5! Though both sets of kids are now young adults, The Smiths have never divulged their Christmas identities, preferring the pleasure of a shared family secret!

Finally, TEACH KINDNESS as self care. When I was a teen suffering from some anguish or another, my mother (unsympathetically I was sure!) would insist that if I wanted to feel better, I just needed to go do something for someone else. Invariably, I went grumbling out the door. Invariably, I got distracted from my own misery and got caught up in the needs of someone else. Invariably, they appreciated my kindness and I’d come home feeling better about myself and the world! Kindness in these circumstances was certainly self-serving…but so what?

If you need a little kindness inspiration, find the book Random Acts of Kindness. Know that by teaching and practicing kindness in your home, you’re actually giving your kids a tool they’ll need when Life is unkind to them!

*For more ideas on kindness, visit http://www.thekindnessprojectblog.com/p/the-kindness-project.html

• Recently I’ve enjoyed working with a teenage guy who, like all of us, like every kid on the planet I guess, has been riddled with question like:
• will anyone like me;
• what’s my purpose;
• what if I’m not the smartest/fastest/cleverest/most popular?

In short, he’s doing the hard work of figuring out who he is and what he’ll bring to the world.

He’s been away on a mission trip in another state with a group of kids who were helping needy families repair their homes. It was hard, hot, dirty work. Some recipients oozed appreciation and homemade cookies while other recipients were self conscious and abrupt with their thanks. Yet another, bedridden, was unable to speak to the kids at all. Regardless of the recipients’ responses, this kid knew what he’d done was valued, important. Even better, working as a team member, he experienced a life-giving, life-changing connection. “I’m not the same guy,” he reported. “I don’t know, it might sound weird, but the world needs me. I have something to give, you know? And there are others like me, people I can share these experiences and feelings with…it was cool! I just want to live every day feeling like that!”

How can we help our kids toward religious beliefs (note: notice that we “help our kids toward…” we can’t give or make someone else’s beliefs. We can show a path, at best!)? Here are some things to consider:

1. Think carefully about your own religious beliefs, how you got them, how they’ve refined since you were a teen; then, talk about it with your kids;
2. Engage yourself in religious, thought-provoking reading of some kind. You could start with Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning;
3. Put your family, parents AND kids, in a spot where it’s hard to miss the grandeur of Something Beyond…a campout, a boat ride under the night sky, sunset on the beach;
4. Look for opportunities to serve others alongside your kids, ways to help them gain perspective on the world’s need and their own ability to help.

Returning to “post-traumatic growth”… Religious beliefs change our perspective on the world and our place in it…how we’ll interact with other people. As loving parents it is not possible to know what lies ahead in Life for our children. But this much we must assume: difficulties will come. A race he doesn’t win; a car wreck which kills her fiancé; a college acceptance not received; a child born with a heart defect; a marriage ending in divorce; and yes, the loss of beloved parents. Helping our kids today to build a scaffolding of religious beliefs will equip them to meet whatever tomorrow brings. In Nietzche’s wise words,

He who has a WHY to live for can bear almost any How

(Photo from Wall Street Journal, June 22, 2013)

At a time when I hear many more young women (teens) drinking more and more, it was surprising to read this article’s title, “Why She Drinks” in The Wall Street Journal June 22, 2013. You may want to go online and read the entire article.

I’ve been thinking about what to make of the drinking trend in teen girls for a number of years. When statistics tell us that drinking goes hand-in-hand with everything we DON’T want for our daughters, how are they “making sense” of doing it anyway, and in record amounts? I wonder if among her reasons might be that

• it’s a move toward “keeping up with the boys” like she does in sports;
• she feels so “equal” that she is ignorant of her physical differences which make drinking’s impact different for her;
• she is feeling so much more pressure to “make something” of her life that getting drunk feels like a welcome relief;
• she feels shy and uncertain and alcohol offers “liquid confidence”;
• she’s been encouraged to take risks, to venture out, and that binging is a new risk.

But one thing I didn’t really think about is the possible role that her mom’s or aunt’s drinking example might be playing. So this article on the change of drinking patterns in women provided a whole new perspective. Give this a thought:

• In the nine years between 1998 and 2007, the number of women arrested for drunken driving rose 30%, while male arrests dropped more than 7%;
• Between 1999 and 2008, the number of young women who showed up in emergency rooms for being dangerously intoxicated rose by 52%. The rate for young men rose just 9%;
• Binge drinking is having four or more drinks for women or five or more for men within two hours;
• While the greatest number, 24%, of binge-drinking women are college-age, 10% of women between 45 and 64 said they binge drink— so did 3% of women older than 65;
• Women are more vulnerable than men to alcohol’s toxic effects. Their bodies have more fat, which retains alcohol, and less water, which dilutes it, so women drinking the same amount as men their size and weight become intoxicated more quickly;
• One half of rape cases occur when the young victim is drunk; “too intoxicated to give consent” is the chilling description.

So, how do we help our daughters? Let’s begin by facing squarely our own (adults) changing behaviors, acknowledging our impact as role models. We need to take a long, analytical look at stress and expectations on us and on our daughters, asking “at what cost?” Next, let’s remember that our very biology as women makes drinking different/riskier for us…this is NOT an issue of equality but of basic biochemistry. Finally, we need to speak with our girls about their safety, about sobriety’s notable contribution. Maybe our conversation includes a story since most of us have valuable experience in the department.

Alas, the question, “Why she drinks,” is as much about us as it is about our girls.

As ever, I welcome your comments.

At the beginning of the year, all of us are thinking about “new doors” we’ll be entering this year. I’d like to share a wonderful meditation from Mark Nepo:

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have, by Mark Nepo

“All Fall Down”

Lead us from the unreal to the real.    Hindu Invocation

     It was a snowy night, and Robert was recalling the time two springs ago when he was determined to paint the family room. Up early, he was out the door, to the hardware store gathering the gallons of red, the wooden mixing sticks, the drop cloths, and the one-time brushes that always harden, no matter what you soak them in.

He mixed the paint outside and waddled to the door with a gallon in each hand, the drop cloth under his arm, and a wide brush in his mouth. He began to chuckle in telling what happened, “I teetered there for minutes, trying to open the door, not wanting to put anything down. I was so stubborn. I had the door almost open when I lost my grip, stumbled backward and wound up on the ground, red gallons all over me!”

At this point, he laughed at himself, as he has done many times, and we watched the snow fall in silence. I thought of his little story the whole way home. Amazingly, we all do this, whether with groceries or paint or with the stories we feel determined to share. We do this with our love, with our sense of truth, even with our pain. It’s such a simple thing, but in a moment of ego we refuse to put down what we carry in order to open the door. Time and time again, we are offered the chance to truly learn this: We cannot hold on to things and enter. We must put down what we carry, open the door, and then take up only what we need to bring inside.

It is a basic human sequence: gather, prepare, put down, enter. But failing as we do, we always have that second chance: to learn how to fall, get up, and laugh.

• Meditate on some threshold you are having trouble crossing in your life. It might be at work, at home, in a relationship, or the doorway to greater peace.
• Breathe steadily and look to yourself to see if you are carrying too much to open the door.
• Breathe slowly and with each out-breath, put the things you are carrying down.
• Breathe freely now and open the door.

I double-dog dare you to consider what you might need to set down as you consider the many wonderful doors before you in 2014. May you and your family enjoy a year abundant in all you love!

(This is a copy of a previous post but, alas, we are touched by suicide once again. For that reason, I encourage every family to consider how we communicate with one another when things are dark, bad on the inside.)

Her death is as surprising as it is stunning. Harriet Deison was an amazingly blessed woman. . . with looks, with love, with family connection, with an abundant, meaning-filled life. Many cannot fathom that last week she drove to a local gun store, purchased a weapon, went to the parking lot and shot herself.

Then again, many of us can. . . many of us who did not know Harriet but who are well acquainted with the darkness of depression. So many of us struggle; so many of us have experienced suicide in our own families. Harriet’s passing reminds me that we all need a way to speak of depression together in our families, a way to ask for help or offer it when we need to. And so I share our family’s story. . . .

I knew for some time that my nephew, Scott, had grappled with periods of despair. But I thought, we all thought, his wife, his kids had given him the reason, the ability to put darkness at bay. In the wake of his death, my brother (Scott’s dad) and Evan (Scott’s son) were driving the pick-up truck home from the funeral parlor. My brother, known as Pop by his grandkids, and little Evan, about 11 at the time, wept as they rode along. Pop pulled to the side of the road and took out his handkerchief. Evan finally broke the silence in the truck,. “Pop,” he asked, “how am I going to do this? I’ve just lost my only dad….” Pop’s eyes filled, “And I have just lost my son.” They wept. At last, Pop lifted his head to ask, “You know what killed your dad?” Evan shook his head. “Not being able to tell someone when things got bad for him. I guess the way you and I go on is to promise to tell each other if things get pretty bad. We gotta talk about stuff that hurts us.” Evan nodded solemnly.

Within my family, we tease about being able to keep secrets better than the Kennedys. But my brother told me this story. And several years later, when my daughter struggled with depression, I told her.  I would like to believe that the gift Scott left us is being able to speak when we’re having a hard time. It isn’t easy, I know, to reach your hand out when you need help.  So I’d like to encourage you today to speak with your kids. Talk about depression; mention that it can be fatal. Talk about its cost to every member of the family. Invent a phrase, a red flag to raise if depression sneaks up and would overtake you or a loved one. Let it become the “code” to other family members to drop whatever they’re doing to pay attention. It can be as simple as

I’m having a hard time right now. I need help.

Blessings on those who’ve left us through the hell of depression; blessings on those who have or are recovering from the loss; blessings on those who awoke to darkness this morning. Remember to say. . .

I’m having a hard time right now. I need help.

“title=”Green Bean Queen”>

(I’m posting this again because it makes me laugh and because it’s spring and because we all NEED to see it again! Happy Spring Break. click on the link above to view)

This week I’ve been talking with moms of teen girls about self concept, self confidence, and mental health. Reading from Dr. Leonard Sax’s book, Girls on the Edge, we found some thought provoking information. It’s Dr. Sax’s opinion that there are more and more girls who’re “brittle, susceptible even to a mild jolt.” He goes on to point out that between 1996 and 2005, the proportion of girls and women in the U.S. taking anti-depressants has doubled such that more than 1 in every 8 U.S.  females takes anti-depressants. A researcher named Jean Twenge believes that part of the reason for girls’ changing mental health has to do with social connectedness. She suggests that lack of social trust is THE highest predictor of anxiety.

Girls, having trouble with no social connection? you may ask. When the average number of texts per day is about 70! But Dr. Sherry Turkel, director of MIT’s Initiative on Technology and Self, points out that virtual contact may not equate with genuine, soul-feeding connection. In fact, Dr. Turkel suggest, such constant “contact” may put girls at greater risk since they never get a break, a breather, any alternative perspective. What looks like connection may actually be something like a diet of cotton candy.

Which brought to mind my mom and me. In middle school, if I got to feeling down in the dumps, she’d say, “What you need is to go do something for someone else!” In fact, she’d been known to threaten to lock me out of the house until I did. So, I grumbled out the door feeling doubly dejected, only to encounter the little kids next door who always wanted me to read them a story. . . or cross the street to our elderly neighbor’s home, Mrs. Cushman. She was often lonely, having lost her beloved husband. . . eager to talk or offer a cookie. Invariably, I returned with

• a shift of focus OFF of myself
• an action which helped me see the needs of others
• a pat on the back or word of appreciation for being such a good kid (if they’d only known!)

And that brings us to The Green Bean Queen.  (It makes me proud that she’s from Texas!) How many of us endured the slings of teasing? How many of us were blessed with folks around us, beyond our family, who thought we were great? And how many of us remember, many years later, how it felt to overcome those set backs and become who we really are, to define ourselves?

Why not share this with a Green Bean Queen (or King) at your house tonight?

I don’t know about you, but I just LOVE to learn new things. Especially things which explain life and help me get a more positive understanding.
You may not know the name Martin Seligman but he’s a professor at U Penn and the founder of “positive psychology.” Make no mistake, Dr. Seligman is not a la-la kind of psychologist. But his fascination is with questions like:

• why do some folks thrive;
• who flourishes and why;
• how can we not just avoid despair but how can we savor a joy-filled, meaning-filled life?

He’s my kind of guy!

Anyway, recently, Dr. Seligman was retained by the U.S. Army to study post-traumatic stress among our soldiers. Undertaking a study of hundreds of thousands of soldiers, Dr. Seligman arrived at a stunning conclusion. Imagine a Bell curve. . . you know the kind where “typical” is depicted at the height of the curve and represents about 68% of any given population (the red part in the graph below). Now imagine a “tail” to the left and a “tail” to the right (the green and blue parts of the graph below).

What Dr. Seligman found is that, indeed, there is a group of soldiers who suffer “post traumatic stress,” represented by the left-hand tail (about 16% of returning vets). The majority of folks, that 68% in the middle of the Bell, actually return to their previous level of well-being about 3-6 months post-combat.

But here’s the really interesting part: the portion of soldiers represented by the right-hand tail actually experience what Seligman has termed, “post-traumatic growth!” They come home BETTER than when they went to war. Their experiences have led them to believe that they’re better leaders than they knew . . . or that they’re cool hands under fire . . . or that they can help people go on during difficult times. One way or the other, trauma has led them to grow. It’s such a simple concept, I wonder why I hadn’t realized it before!

So, how does that apply to our kids? Oh, let me count the ways!!! Other girls treat her meanly and instead of becoming depressed, she becomes compassionate. He doesn’t make the team and instead goes out for the play and finds he is excellent onstage. She doesn’t get into the college or grad school of her choice so she re-doubles her efforts and, wonder of wonders, gets in the following year!

Sometimes, we FORGET about our terrific potential for growth!
Share this reminder with your kids today!
It’s their nature to grow, to become stronger. WOW!

I don’t know about you, but I just LOVE to learn new things. Especially things which explain life and help me get a more positive understanding.
You may not know the name Martin Seligman but he’s a professor at U Penn and the founder of “positive psychology.” Make no mistake, Dr. Seligman is not a la-la kind of psychologist. But his fascination is with questions like: why do some folks thrive; who flourishes and why; how can we not just avoid despair but how can we savor a joy-filled, meaning-filled life? He’s my kind of guy!
Anyway, recently, Dr. Seligman was retained by the U.S. Army to study post-traumatic stress among our soldiers. Undertaking a study of hundreds of thousands of soldiers, Dr. Seligman arrived at a stunning conclusion. Imagine a Bell curve. . . you know the kind where “typical” is depicted at the height of the curve and represents about 68% of any given population. Now imagine a “tail” to the left and a “tail” to the right. What Dr. Seligman found is that, indeed, there is a group of soldiers who suffer “post traumatic stress,” represented by the left-hand tail. The majority of folks, that 68% in the middle of the Bell, actually return to their previous level of well-being about 3-6 months post-combat.

***

But here’s the really interesting part: the portion of soldiers represented by the right-hand tail actually experience what Seligman has termed, “post-traumatic growth!” They come home BETTER than when they went to war. Their experiences have led them to believe that they’re better leaders than they knew . . . or that they’re cool hands under fire . . . or that they can help people go on during difficult times. One way or the other, trauma has led them to grow. It’s such a simple concept, I wonder why I hadn’t realized it before!

So, how does that apply to our kids? Oh, let me count the ways!!! Other girls treat her meanly and instead of becoming depressed, she becomes compassionate. He doesn’t make the team and instead goes out for the play and finds he is excellent onstage. She doesn’t get into the college or grad school of her choice so she re-doubles her efforts and, wonder of wonders, gets in the following year!

Sometimes, we FORGET about our terrific potential for growth!
Share this reminder with your kids today!
It’s their nature to grow, to become stronger. WOW!

*** I think I need work on my graphics capability! Bear with me! :) KF

A man raised a baby swan in a glass jar, but as the bird grew it became stuck in the jar. The man was caught now, for the only way to free the bird was to break the jar, killing the swan.  __Zen saying

It was clear that they loved their girl, had the best intention of protecting her. Her parents acknowledged that, hoping to shield her from difficulties, they had limited her friendships; made sure she was in a good school with nice girls; closely monitored her contacts and activities. The young girl had been raised in a veritable glass jar…the whole world was hers to see but she was to remain protected, set apart until….when?

But, as teens do, she saw the bright lights of the world beckon her….she wore daring clothes away from her parents’ sight; she found intriguing companions on the Internet; she shielded her parents from what she knew would hurt them and might estrange her. The GOOD NEWS: breaking the jar did NOT kill the lovely swan.

But the crisis which ensued begs the question of all loving parents:                        how can we raise a teen “in” the world but still safe? 

Parents have 3 jobs: safety, decency and exiting their kid’s life.

I believe that we know when to exit our child’s life because he/she is managing her own safety and decency pretty well (Note: I did not say “perfectly” because even really good kids can misestimate danger or a bad situation). One of the most important tools to help our teens learn to manage for themselves is a simple one, conversation. But across the arc of adolescence, a radical shift is necessary in family conversation….parents need to speak less and teens need to speak more.

By the time our teens are 13 or 14, they know what WE think…what we need to know is, what do THEY think?

• Have they absorbed the family’s values?
• Are they able to spot trouble and formulate a plan to keep themselves safe ?
• Are they able to weigh and discern possibilities?
• Are they becoming more flexible so that if Plan A doesn’t work, they can shift to Plan B?

One dad I know who was working on his communication with his teen son coined a new term, “bottom-lining.” He would say, “I think I’m bottom-lining it too much for him,” by which he meant that he was coming to a conclusion and enforcing it on his son rather than encouraging his son to think things through for himself. Even when our kids get it wrong, we can remain helpful if we frame a failure for them (and for ourselves) as a learning experience. Questions like

• What was the good/safe part of this plan?
• When did that part go awry?
• If you had it to do again, is there anything you’d do differently?
• What do you know now that you didn’t know this time last week?

I’m fairly certain that we cannot raise our lovely swans in glass jars without great risk to them and to our relationships. A parent’s role is to help them to develop the ability to make safe and decent choices for themselves. As one sage put it,

Our job as parents is not so much to prepare the road for our kids but

to prepare our kids for the road.

Experts pretty much agree that people who set goals are more effective at actually getting what they want. If you want to know more, check out Anthony Robbins’, Unlimited Power or Caroline Miller’s, Creating Your Best Life, to mention only two. I practice goal writing each January and I highly suggest that parents not only practice it themselves but that they institute it as something their kids will want to do.

Keep in mind: a goal is something YOU want for yourself (not what the coach wants, or your dad wants, or your girl friend wants for you)…so if you attained your goal, you’d be delighted!

In last week’s The New York Times “Well” section, January 6, 2015, Tara Parker-Pope suggests that having a personal mission statement may be even better than having personal goals. Writing a mission statement serves to clarify what you’re about, what the most important thing is in your life.

Examples of two missions statements I’ve heard recently are:

• To work less, earn more, have fun, do good.
• To love God to my best ability; to love others; to love myself.

Parker-Pope suggests that we begin our thinking about mission statements by asking ourselves several questions.

• How do you want to be remembered?
• How do you want people to describe you?
• Who do you want to be?
• Who or what matters most to you?
• What are your deepest values?
• How would you define success in your life?
• What makes your life really worth living?

You may wonder why I bring up mission statements or goal setting at all. In my work of family coaching, I often have families come to see me with teens who’ve gone “off track,” one way or another. In coaching the teens, hopefully back on track, I often ask the questions above. “How do you want your classmates to remember you? Do you want to be remembered as the meanest kid in your class?” Or, “What do you want to be? Are you planning to graduate from high school? Has your effort this semester moved you that direction? Do you need to change your goal or change your effort?”

Parker-Pope suggests that if we aren’t clear about our mission, making resolutions for this little habit or that new behavior amounts to moving the deck chairs around on the Titanic. She further suggests that one reason our resolutions are not usually successful is that they are not tied to deeper meaning, things we really value.

Here are some ways you might implement something new this year:

1. Talk over with your kids what your family mission is;
2. Challenge yourself to answer one or two of Parker-Pope’s questions above;
3. Challenge your teen to choose one or two to answer; then share your thoughts;
4. Choose one question above; answer it; then write one or two resolutions of actions which will lead toward your mission fulfillment.

While all the experts agree that thoughtful goal setting yields greater success, NO ONE says it’s easy. Set aside time to give this some consideration. At a minimum, it gives your teen a role model for a thoughtfully-lived life.

May 2015 be filled with all your truly hope for.

Recently I have been talking with parents about Parker Palmer’s concept of a “third thing” to be used in discussions. Palmer suggests that in most conversations, there are two things, me and you. According to Palmer, if we’re talking about an important topic, we’d do well to talk about a third thing instead of about you or me. (Think: Mom and Daughter talking about whether or not Daughter’s blouse is too skimpy. If they’re watching a TV show or see a window at the mall, it’s so much easier to discuss those skimpy shirts than the more personal topic of Daughter’s blouse)

In my coaching work, I observe that no topic is touchier than honesty and it’s wicked(er?) twin, deception. Of course, as we give mid-teens and late-teens more and more freedom, honesty becomes ever more important. I am often surprised that kids don’t seem to realize that when one lies, one breaks trust. The lesson beyond that is, how do we restore broken trust?

Wow, wouldn’t it be helpful to have a “third thing” to talk about honesty and deception and broken trust? 

I’m sorry Mr Williams but you’re it. The recent breach of trust which has come to light regarding NBC anchorman, Brian Williams’s claims about his experience in Iraq provide a perfect case study for our teens…and they’re NOT getting in trouble (see how a third thing works?)

In case you’ve been in another part of the world, briefly, the story is that Mr. Williams was embedded with the U.S. military several years ago. En route to a battle, his helicopter was some thirty minutes behind a copter which got shot down. Over the period of the next several interviews, Mr. Williams made the copter-under-fire experience into his own. Check your local paper, news feed, TV, radio for details. But as you do, please notice that rarely is the word “lie” used. Now, years later, several veterans who were present at the event in question have come forward to challenge his statements. He has temporarily stepped down from heading the news staff for NBC. It remains to be seen if he will lose his job.

But here’s the important part for us parents: Williams has provided us an excellent study, a great “third thing” to talk about at home. We can read the story or review the high points of his story with our kids. Several questions you may want to explore are

• Why might he want to lie about his experience?
• How did the untruth progress from obfuscation to dishonesty?
• What is the difference between dishonesty and deception? Is one worse?**
• Do you think he’ll be able to resume his position, regain people’s trust?
• How do you think it might have felt to the normal soldiers who knew the truth to come forward against such a notable news person? (a different kind of courage?)
• Does a person of stature have a different obligation to be truthful than a regular person? A journalist more obligation than a regular person?

And, of course, this is a great time to talk about how dishonesty follows us and sometimes catches up with us years later in very public ways.

I encourage you to take this opportunity to help your kids view a very public lesson about something we all work so hard to teach.

** My dad’s pet peeve was lying but he insisted there was only one thing worse: deception.  In his book, deception WAS lying but depended on the relationship to pull it off. In other words, deception trades on the fact that you know me, you trust me and so give me the benefit of the doubt when I lie. Did Mr. Williams lie or did he lie and deceive? Yet another great lesson….